Joey, 11/17/2014 to 2/7/2015

Earlier this week Joey seemed to rally and was doing a bit better. Unfortunately, as the week progressed he visibly was getting sicker and sicker. By the end of the week he was telling us that it was his time to go. He was fighting a losing battle and all of the signs were there. Joey was in a bad place and it was apparent that he would not be able to recover.

We made the brave choice on Saturday to discontinue care.  This by no means was an easy decision to make and one that I hope that no parent ever has to face. We fought so long and hard for Joey and know in our hearts that we did what was best for him. We did not give up on Joey, but accepted what he was telling us and did what was best for him. If he was ever able to recover from the sepsis his lungs were still hurt, his kidneys were in bad shape, his heart had issues, and his bowel was sick. He would have a long road to recovery and still may face more complications down the road. I wanted to give Joey more time, but the writing on the wall was very clear on Saturday. Joey was requiring more and more support and it was taking more and more to keep him alive. I realized that Joey was not going to be able to get through this and it was only a matter of time.

Jonathan came in to see Joey one last time on Saturday morning and it broke our hearts when he said, "I love you baby Joey" before leaving. It was really important to us that Jonathan got to see Joey one last time and that we could have that family time. Child life came in with some activities for Jonathan and some "remembrance projects" for us to complete with Joey. We made hand molds of ours and Joeys hand and took a few locks of his hair. The molds turned out beautifully and hospital gave us a special box to keep Joey's locks and mementos.

Late Saturday afternoon, we had all of Joey's medications turned off and lines taken out. The breathing tube was left in. We did not want him struggling to breath and wanted to allow him to go on his own time. Morphine was administered to make sure that he was completely comfortable. The monitors were turned off, music was on, and Joey was placed in our arms in a very relaxing and comfortable environment. We had no idea how fast or slow things would go. We sang to Joey, took turn holding him, read him stories, and told him to go to sleep. Over several hours his heart rate  dipped lower and lowers. As it got under 90 things started to move faster and we knew that his time was coming. I felt my inside getting ripped out when Eric told me his heart had stopped and the doctor came in to tell us he was sorry for our loss. I knew Joey was in a better place, but it didn't make it hurt any less.

The breathing tube was finally taken out and I got to hold Joey for the first time, in a long time, with no lines or tube in him. It felt so good to finally hold him to my chest and hug him. It was the worst thought know that I could only do this when my baby was dead. I wished that I could hold him like that forever and take all of his pain and suffering away. He was already gone and I would have traded places with him if I could.

Eric and I gave him a bath and cleaned him up really good. We dressed him for the first time ever and wrapped him in blankets. We gave him final kisses good bye and let the funeral director take him away. Our plan for Joey is cremation. It is upsetting that the only way that Joey is coming home will be in ashes in a box. We picked out a very special urn for him and plan to keep him on our fireplace. He will finally be at home with his family and at rest.

It seems like things never went Joey's way from the get go. It was one complication after another. No one ever foresaw all of these events happening. Eric and I were so hopeful and excited to have Joey apart of our family. We loved him so much and I can not even describe the pain I felt holding his cold dead body. I am so happy that I got to meet Joey and spend 12 short weeks with him. He had my brown eyes, blond hair, and big long hands and feet. He was brave, strong, and a little fighter. My heart aches that his short time on earth was spent in the hospital getting poked and prodded. This poor baby had been through more in his short life then most of us. We spent every day by his side and he knew that his is loved.

God had a plan for baby Joey and there is purpose and reason as to why this horrible thing happened in our lives. I am devastated and sad. Losing Joey is going to hurt for a very long time. Only time will help us heal. I am going to cry, but will move on day to day. I am at peace with Gods plan and trying to understand the purpose. Joey will always be an important member of our family and we will  never forget what he looked like at his best or the strength the he showed.

I will update everyone with visitation information when we have it figured out.